The M&S Christmas hamper catalogue has landed on my desk.
Yes, it's that time of year.
Thumbing through, I see it's gourmet this and gourmet that, a word that's horribly overused, especially in the US where it just means 'not a burger'. It's all induglent, sickly, rich and heavy. There's the usual rogues gallery of figs in port, bramble conserves (what's the difference between a conserve and a preserve, anyway), 'speciality' teas, Dundee cakes, sweet wine, chocolate coverered stem ginger and other delights that get put to the back of the cupboard and forgotten about.
A hamper seems a terrible waste of money. I'd wager that if you had 25 items in it you'd probably only eat - or want to eat - about five. I see there are some that have things like ham or beef, for every one of those there's juniper smoked venison and wild boar pate.
A couple of Christmases ago I bought a River Cottage hamper, which included lots of lovely things, like a side of ham and great pates. We ate just about all of it, though I think the blackberry jelly sat in the fridge unloved and untouched (I don't eat jam) and we were brave with the brawn but I found a pig's hair in it and couldn't go on. But on the whole it was great. Now that's the sort of thing you want.
So why do all hampers have to be filled with ridiculous things? I assume it's because it's seen as a luxury gift and therefore should include luxury foods. But if you're trying to help a pensioner on a budget out at Christmas, what do they want with giant-sized truckle of Stilton or a hundredweight of salted caramel truffles dusted with fair trade cocoa powder? They'd rather have a box of Black Magic and some cherry brandy. None of these things makes a meal. It's a light lunch at an absolute push, but it's mainly snacking. I feel bilious at the thought of even more rich food.
Each year in the building where I work there's a food collection for the homeless. It's all very noble but it basically means people clear out the larder of any old junk that's been knocking around for ages. I laughed when I noticed a panatone, and of course there were jars and jars of rhubarb in cider and plums in cognac among the more prosaic things like Ambrosia custard (Devon knows how they make it so creamy!). Some showboat even put a widescreen TV in there. Mmm, tasty.
I don't know what those Park hampers contain, you know the ones people sell to make a a bit of extra cash for Christmas, but judging by their advertising it's more likely to be a turkey and stuffing Pot Noodle and some Marie biscuits, i.e., stuff you don't want to eat.
I'm off to check out the Fortnum's hampers. There's got to be something worth eating in there.
Slice of connoissseur hand-decorated holly and ivy cake, anyone?
