Stop me if you've heard this one before...

Have you ever seen Stardust? No, not the Jane Goldman fantasy bollocks - the David Essex classic.

I'm a big fan of this film, and the prequel That'll Be The Day. In that one, wannabe rock star Jim Maclain works at a holiday camp with Ringo Starr, and life is just one long picnic of birds, bristols and booze. When Adam Faith makes his presence known at the end, Jim's leaving it all behind for the big time.

So in Stardust, Jim's, well, a star. But it all goes to his head is timeless rock and roll fashion.

Never seen either? Then why are you reading this when you could be watching them?

I think David Essex is great in them, just pitch perfect. Of course he's a terrible actor, but this kind of fare is brilliant for him, and remember these films were made when he was a top of the pops. He's not really done much else of note has he. I can only think of Silver Dream Racer (which I've never seen) and lockeeper shitcom The River (which I've also never seen). He was meant to join EastEnders a few years ago but had to pull out because it clashed with his tour. Shame.

Back to the films them. I love the crowd scenes which are meant to be set in the Fifties and Sixties in which all the extras are clearly wearing Seventies clothes - it's Rollermania in that audience and we must just overlook it. Stardust especially is a great cautionary tale about the rock business and to my mind one of the best music biz films ever. All would be pop stars should be made to watch it before they embark on their careers, because this eventually is what happens to all them, more or less. The soundtracks are good too

I can't hear Zizi Jeanmaire anywhere

I do wish they'd stop calling Alton Towers a 'resort'. It makes it sound like Club Med.

In reality of course it's more like Funland, Margate: the smell of chips hanging heavy in the air while the collective whoosh of shellsuit encased fat thighs rubbing together drowns out the din of the screaming kids. Their clothes are not made by Balmain and you won't find diamonds and pearls in their hair. Juan-les-Pines it is not. It's in Staffordshire for God's sake, the only thing it's famous for is pots, Robbie Williams and people getting killed on level crossings.

And while we're on the subject of funfairs, I'm appalled at the latest attraction at Thorpe Park (sorry, could be Chessington 'World of Adventures') - the rollercoaster based on the Saw films.

Now, the last time I looked, these torture porn extravaganzas from the sickest minds still working outside of Broadmoor were not family fare. So why name a rollercoaster after a series of films children are unlikely to see? Is no one going to say anything? No wonder we're a nation living in fear. I don't want my eyeballs lanced with a hairpin by some bored eight-year-old, do you?

Well I think it's wrong.

English Country Garden

So did you have a nice Easter break? I never want to see another chocolate again. Rococo English creams are coming out of my ears. You can tkeep your truffles, I'm a soft centres person. Can't you tell by my name?

Quite enjoyed the Doctor Who. I thought Michelle Ryan made an alright villain but there wasn't much of a story, was there. It's all designed to see David Tennant off. He's everywhere at the moment, isn't he? I heard him on the radio doing a show with Catherine Tate and - inevitably - John Barrowman. A finer love-in there never was I'm looking forward to the Who story after The Waters Of Mars, which I've heard is called something like The Twisted Summer or The Salt-Sea Twist, but I could be wrong.

Anywho, now that Easter's behind us, summer comes a-knockin'. Still having a nightmare over that playlist. I'll post an update in the week. Only two weeks to go.

Welcome back to the working week, everyone.

PS I'm sure I spotted someone from my past who I'd rather forget near work today. I nearly crashed the car.

Simnel Minds

A very happy Easter to you. I hope the Easter Bunny brings you everything you ever wanted.

Talking of Easter Bunnies, I see they're now doing a dark chocolate Lindt bunny - you know, the gold foil ones with the bells round their necks. We've got one on the go in the office at the moment. Do come over and have a piece if you're reading this.

I like Easter. I like it that it's usually overcast, not cold, and there is rain. I got married on Easter Saturday 1996, and it's always been a restful, calm time, the smell of hot cross buns and roast spring lamb hanging in the air. My favourite Easter was one spent in London, where it rained every single day really hard and we went to the cinema about four times, dashing in and out of the rain. It's funny what you remember.

So can you remember you favourite ever Easter egg? I recall a very large Ripple one, when Ripple came in a turquoise wrapper. I never liked anything that involved acres of Mackintosh or Rowntree chocolate as it was too sweet. And I wasn't keen on ones that came atop miniature mugs, wrapped in cellophane. The mugs were that kind of too-hot china and the mugs way too small for my purposes. They're probably worth a fortune on the collectibles market today.

So whatever you do, have a good one. We're just knocking around, seeing friends and family, wearing Easter bonnets and hopefully just relaxing.

Here's The Singing Nun to remind us in this not very good video that's also a religious festival too.

Wedding disco

Someone's asked me to 'DJ' at their wedding.

When they say DJ, I'm not going to be DLT (tempting as it is) or Fat Boy Slim, but I've got to make up a playlist to play through the ipod to hopefully start the dancing.

I've always thought the trick of getting everyone on the dancefloor was to play songs they know, but not be too obvious about it, for example no Don't You Want Me, more Sound Of The Crowd. That always gets me going, and once on, I'm rarely off.

The average age is about 38ish, teenagers in the Eighties, and some older parents and parents friends who always seem to take to the floor. I remember by aunt and uncle, then in their seventies frugging to She Sells Sanctuary. So I'm thinking a bit of everything, stretching across the decades, taking in ska, glam, rock, goth, electronic, disco, etc. They don't want anything 'now' from me, as someone else is taking care of that side of the musical spectrum. I'm strictly retro and I don't really do soul or funk (some Motown, some northern, no Barry White). It's for about an hour and a half. I'm kicking off with a bit of rock. So here it is so far:

Pour Some Sugar On Me/Def Leppard
Rocks/Primal Scream
She Sells Sanctuary/The Cult
Satisfaction/Stones
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'/Nancy Sinatra
Israelites/Desmond Dekker
Gangsters/Specials
Green Onions/Booker T & The MGs
Money/Flying Lizards
Funky Town/Lipps Inc
Funky Cold Medina/Ton Loc
Walk This Way/Run DMC
Hippychick/Soho
Doin' The Do/Betty Boo
Pop Muzik/M
Video Killed The Radio Star/Buggles
Lucky Number/Lene Lovich
Queen Bitch/David Bowie
Blockbuster/The Sweet
Virginia Plain/Roxy Music
Antmusic/Adam & The Ants
Cool For Cats/Squeeze
Perfect Skin/Lloyd Cole & The Commotions
In Between Days/The Cure
Temple Of Love/Sisters Of Mercy
Sound Of The Crowd/Human League
Material Girl/Madonna
Kiss Me/Steven "Tin Tin" Duffy

On the reserve list:
Something Better Change/Stranglers
If The Kids Are United/Sham 69
Live It Up/Mental As Anything
Need You Tonight/INXS
Viva Las Vegas/ZZ Top

It's only a short set, and while I'm quite happy with it up to and including Money, then I fear it's losing its way. I'm thinking of ditching Sinatra, Madonna, Cole and Duffy.

I don't want to be too cheesey, I don't want to be too obscure, but I'm thinking as I'm on late, and everyone will be drunk, this should be just the ticket.

What say you?

Damned if you do...

On Saturday I went to an enjoyable and far from lairy stag day, a part of which involved going to see The Damned United. Not being much of a football fan but having heard good things about it I was in two minds, but actually I thought it was great. Old football is so much more interesting than new football isn't it.

What struck me was that all the players were British. How novel is that? But what struck me more, however, is that thesedays the 1970s are portrayed as being utterly bleak, crumbling, drizzly and unexcting.

Let me tell you now, it wasn't ALWAYS like that. Yes, it had its off days, but generally I remember sunshine, fruit and vegetable pencil top men, endless days, Whizzer & Chips, glam rock, Chipsticks, Corona cherryade, cinemas with balconies, Humphries, Harry Worth, roller skating to Young, Gifted & Black, Weekend chocs, shiny Ford Capris, Farmer's Wife orange juice and Hygena kitchens. Not smoky pubs, peeling flock wallpaper, constant rain and dull ochres. I'm sure that existed somewhere - David Peace books definitely, but not in my Seventies.

Anyhoo, I fully recommend The Damned United. Michael Sheen is top notch with his channeling of Brian Clough, a man I didn't really know much about but who got nothing more than he deserved. A great character though, and sadly lacking today.

NB I saw Marianne Faithful in a restaurant yesterday. I'm sure it was her. There's no mistaking her is there? And last week I saw Alastair Campbell jogging in Hyde Park.

Listen carefully...

How bored are you of hearing about The Wire?

Yes, I've seen it and yes, I loved it. But enough already! All you ever see/read/hear is how marvellous US shows are. Well they bloody should be with the amount of money spent on them.

But let's not forget that there are actually some really good British shows around too. I think Law & Order: UK is good (though I prefer the law to the order), EastEnders, though often a bit silly, is really very watchable. That drama Five Minutes From Heaven was good, though a one off, and I've enjoyed series like Doctor Who and Moving Wallpaper. That said there is certainly a lot of crap around, but there are also a lot of crap American shows around too, but we don't see those. We only see the good stuff.

How annoyed would you be as a British writer to find your work constantly dismissed as rubbish, while the world bangs on about how brilliant Mad Men is (and it is), when it gets under 100,000 viewers. What's wrong with people talking and writing about programmes people actually watch?

It's a bit like loving a band until they become famous. It's a snobbishness, an elitism and it's really irritating. I bet Wire fans are furious that it's now on mainstream BBC2, albeit in the dead of night, because it might become accepted by the masses and therefore no longer cool to be associated with. To me, that's the bottom line of all this Wire wanking.

Enjoy by all means, but shut up about it.

A man who is tired of London...

Perhaps you're originally from London. Or like me, perhaps you're not. I have however, lived here for 22 years, the longest I've ever lived anywhere and half of my life, so I consider it home and consider myself a Londoner.

It's still an exciting place to be if you make the most of it, but I fully understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea.

I can't remember my first ever visit, but despite living about one-and-a-half hours away (actually more like two-and-a-half pre-motorway) we rarely, if ever came. This was mainly because my dad worked in London, got up at 5.30 every day and didn't get home until after 7.30. He hated London and still does, which irritates me every time he says it because being a commuter is one thing, living here quite another. He did bring us up to museums though, and I remember a trip to the Natural History Museum when I was very young.

The next one I fully remember is a May day in 1980 when we brought my German exchange student to the big city. He was hippyish, into Greenpeace and Foghat, while I was into the Specials and had never heard of Greenpeace. Nuclear power? Who cares! We had little in common. He wanted to go to Stonehenge but Dad thought it was too long a drive. He sulked hugely, ate us out of pork n bean Rancheros and grudgingly came to London. I remember it being a really hot day, Lipps Inc's Funky Town was on the radio every half hour and we went to the Tower of London. I had a cricked neck and wore a yellow sweatshirt which I promptly spilled ice cream down. I also wore jeans with red piping down the side. What *was* I thinking? Never heard another word from the German. He's probably head of some charity or something.

That year, my parents moved abroad. After that I visited London a lot. It was terribly exciting for a 16-year-old. This time it was trips to the Virgin Megastore, the Great Gear Market, Kensington Market and everywhere else that held allure. I'd walk down Carnaby Street and try and spot the offices of Smash Hits. I'd go to Harrod's sale. I'd pass scary schoolboys who looked like Grange Hill's Benny Green. I'd dare to venture to Covent Garden - and get the tube to Leicester Square. I saw Diane from Crossroads coming out of Underwoods. I sent a postcard to a friend telling them that I'd got on the tube the wrong way and had to get off at Stockwell "which is nearly Brixton!!!". How daring. Actually that's still daring.

So I kind of always knew I'd end up here. And I'm glad I did. Yes, I find it tiresome at times - the transport problems and the traffic, but it's far outweighed by the nice bits.

I'm not sure why I was moved to post this, but here it is. BTW, that Doctor Who spoof post got about 1000 visits via Digital Spy. People are so gullible.

Don't read on...

...if you don't want any Doctor Who spoilers for the next few specials and the new series with Matt Smith.

For I have exclusively learned the following nuggets:

1. Hayley Atwell is the new Doctor's companion.

2. Jill Baker is to guest star as the Doctor's MOTHER!

3. Tom Baker is to cameo in the Matt Smith series

4. Lee Evans appears in the Easter special, but you probably knew that already. But so does...Richard Briers

5. Wanda Ventham and Maurice Denham play a mysterious English couple running a bar in Crete that is not all it seems in an episode called The Mavens of Tikitapiki

6. Edward Highmore (ex-Howard's Way) is the head of UNIT

7. Not a single episode of the forthcoming Matt Smith series is set on any other planet than Earth

8. Katy Manning's ultra-camp alter ego Iris Wildthyme will appear in more than one episode of the Matt Smith series

9. Sue Tully takes up directing duties on the Christmas special

10. David Tennant will appear with all previous Doctors in the Christmas special

Don't panic!

Who's already bored of the G20 summit? I don't think I'd mind if I lived out of London, but as it is, it's disruptive and tiresome to say the very least.

I've navigated my way through umpteen road closures and endless diversions, I've never seen so many police cars (the contents of which glare at you as you go by, thereby making you feel instantly guilty for not doing anything), I've seen shops, business and hotels boarded up in a panic, I've heard from friends who've been told to dress down so they don't look like business people and I'm seeing streets that are normally chock-a-block, completely empty of cars due to parking suspensions.

I don't even recognise the city I'm living in.

Isn't this all a bit over the top? I remember a similar anti-capitalist thing some years ago, when you'd get emails at work saying razor blades had been inserted underneath the handrails on tube escalators and people were hijacking buses and spraying CS gas, and if you opened the Evening Standard at page 23 a boxing glove popped out and bopped you on the nose. All untrue, especially the last one of course, but that sums up the ridiculous level of hysteria that was abounding at the time.

I don't think anything will happen at all. You might get the odd crusty or overgrown student throwing their weight around, but that'll be all.

People love a good drama, don't they. Of course. I'll eat my words if all goes tits up.