Watching Mary Portas - who I actually, genuinely love because she's so clever - try and solve the current retail crisis in a Money Programme special last night, it occurred to me that I've never actually been into a branch of Officers Club.
Mary visited the chain (which originated in Sunderland, fact fans) and met the owner. He confirmed the reasons why I don't go there: it's naff. It sells 'shagging shirts' for blokes to wear down the pub on a Friday night out. It sells mid-calf shorts and all manner of ghastly non-F-C wear. Of course the main reason is because it refuses to punctuate properly, if I'm honest.
Anyhoo, it made me think about the high street giants I eschew. And there are plenty of them.
Debenhams My mum swears by it for housewares, but I think it's dull with a capital D. The menswear is a frumparama. Just because Rocha John Rocha and Jasper Conran design for it, doesn't make it attractive. Bryn from Gavin & Stacey might think it's a shopping Mecca, but not me. We used to get pick n' mix from there as a child, but now there is no reason to go there. There's one almost on my doorstep but I've never actually been in it.
Somerfield Depressing colour palette. Never liked that smart alec 'mum' character they used in their ads. Nothing you could buy or make from here is remotely appetising. It's purely functional, for things like kitchen roll and yoghurts, but not fresh meat or market vegetables. Cooks beware! Only one notch above Morrisons, and you know my feelings on that.
Alexandra What's that? I hear you ask. Well, it's the uniform shop. The window always has chef, complete with tall hat, woman in blue nylon housecoat thing that old women in newsagents wear, and perhaps surgical scrubs. Not even having needed a uniform for anything other than school, I've never crossed the threshold and unless I'm going to a fancy dress party am unlikely to do so.
Clinton Cards Frankly rather common. Do they still make padded cards? They probably carry the Forever Friends range. It figures.
Specsavers Why would you? Terrible selection of plasticy frames. It's David Clulow all the way for me, as Spectacle Wearer of The Year 2011.
All Saints I've been and bought stuff, but it was a trial. It's intimidating. Millions of shop assistants who weight about 10 stone between them. And me. The clothes are an odd fit too. I scurry by now.
Russell & Bromley I know they do men's shoes, but that copper colour they're associated with depresses me. The shoes are just this side of boring.
Next Talking of boring. It used to be a must when it first opened. I remember a fantastic pair of purple suede loafers, a white shirt with a red diamond pattern teamed with an emerald green cardy c.1986. I thought I was cock of the walk. Now it's all grey chinos and nothingness. Very Eighties.
H Samuel If I was to surprise Mrs F-C with a trinket from here, she'd brain me. Who shops here? And why?
So other than that, apart from perhaps The Body Shop, Whittards, any coffee chain and KFC, I'm happy to shop anywhere.
