Life's not really real anymore is it? It's like some frightening vision of the future, like Children of Men, or V For Vendetta. Financial institutions are crashing around our ears, shops are disappearing at a rate of knots, we sit knitting at the foot of the guillotine as a dying woman is the centre of some bizarre, exploitative media cirucs, people have stopped buying records and only communicate through websites (hi!), ITV will no longer be making any programmes and honeybees are mysteriously disappearing.
So if that's not enough, I thought I really was living in in a Will Self novel this morning when I stopped to let a Del Boy Trotter yellow three-wheeler vanette pass in in front of me, then finding I had no choice but to also allow the Batmobile, the Dukes of Hazzard car, James Bond's Aston Martin, Noddy's little yellow car, another James Bond Lotus (the one that can work underwater) and Starsky and Hutch's car to cross too.
Then it dawned on me; It's soon to be Comic Relief, already pre-irritating me with various dance-offs - I thought Robert Webb was a very cross looking woman, like someone who's in Gladiators or something. I was stunned to discover she was a he - and silly adverts where students dye their chest hair red. You already know my feelings on this particular unfunny love-in, so no need to go into that again.
It's going to take more than world's unfunniest man Lenny Henry, Holby City stars doin song and dance routines from Oklahoma! or Mr Vain Steve Jones and the stupidest woman in Western Europe Fearne Cotton to lighten the mood of the nation.
I'm not laughing. Are you?
