Five-Centres is 42

Today is my birthday. I'm 42. It's okay, I'm fine about the march of time. What can you do, eh?

I'm not mad on birthdays though. I don't like doing anything on them. It's rather like New Year's Eve where there's pressure to enjoy yourself, so I'd rather avoid it. We'll go out for lunch with my work colleagues but that's kind of it. Mrs Five-Centres, who likes to stretch her birthday to breaking point, fully understands.

I was trying to remember what I did on birthdays of old. I can only recall a few. I think the first one I can really remember is my ninth birthday, where my dad took me and two friends - MC and TA to HMS Victory, then we came back to ours and had hot dogs. I remember enjoying that very much. Haven't seen M or T in more than 25 years. All I know is M is an overweight lorry driver with a mail order bride, but not sure about time. Probably squirrelled away doing IT or something. I can't imagine we'd have that much in common today.

On my 14th birthday me and my best mate J M had a joint party in our garden and invited all the boys in our class except S C (who came anyway), which involved a barbecue and tents. It also involved hiding two huge cans of Hoffmeister in the garage, which eagle-eyed dad discovered and made us take back. Still, a good time was had by all and the neighbours complained about our singing of risque songs into the night. J M now lives in Australia. I haven't seen him for 25 years either, though I did bump into his mum outside the post office on a visit back from whence I came in 1986. I liked her. She's dead now. I think she though her Jonathan hadn't really amounted to much. That I could not say though we did go our separate ways shortly after this birthday, as he fell in with a 'bad crowd' of whom I was scared stiff.

On my 17th birthday my Aunt and my granny came to Guildford (where I was at boarding school) to take me out to lunch. We went to a patisserie in a shopping centre and I was allowed to take a friend.

On my 18th birthday me and two schoolfriends who shared the same birthday - E and L went with all our mutual pals to Clouds in Cranleigh. They did burgers. And we could all officially drink, which we did. I don't remember much more about it.

When I turned 21 I had exams on the day and exams the next day. That's the problem with a June birthday, so I don't remember doing anything except twitchily going to pub with my housemates, or possibly the Potter's Heron with my parents who were over from Bahrain briefly, though that could have been birthday 22.

By the time my 24th birthday came around I was living in London. My flatmate bought me a Fifities rock and roll dancing lesson, but ungratefully I didn't want to go. Really, I didn't want to go with her, but I let her down very gently (I think). We all went to Rock Island Diner which was in the Trocadero, where staff suddnely burst into song and danced on tables and so could you. I can't think of anything worse now, but then I thought it was the best thing ever.

In 1990 aged 25 I had a do in pub in Covent Garden, and fretted that no one was coming. Of course they did and it was fine, but I vowed then that the stress of gathering people together and then not being able to talk to them for longer than five minutes was not worth the hassle. So that's where celebrating birthdays ended

So that was that really. By the time 31 came around so had Mrs Five-Centres and she took me to the Rib Room in Sloane Street, which was way out of our price range but what the fuck, it was fun.

So it's been quiet dinners with a couple of friends rather than gatherings for me. And that's way I like it.

Happy birthday to me!