Monday, August 27, 2007

Raindrops on roses...

...and whiskers on kittens. That's nice. Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. That's not. The first one's a bit naff and the other inevitably scratchy. These are not my favourite things. I'd say girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes are just asking for trouble, and when was the last time you saw wild geese flying with the moon on their wings? If you live in Nova Scotia it's possible.

Enough of her favourite things though. Here are some of my least favourite:

Picnics. Phone messages which say 'we're having a picnic in the park' or 'do come round for a barbecue' fill me with horror. I like to eat at a table, preferably inside.

Posh football fans. Jarring.

Big Brother pull-outs in the paper. NO ONE CARES.

Women football fans. Who are you trying to kid? Move on.

When someone says 'I've got a great photo of you - it's just how I see you', and there's a murderous, balding, eight-chinned Toby jug who could do with shifting a few stone staring back at you, ensuring you make plans to cut your wrists.

Grown men in football shirts. The height of bad taste. Lazy and slobbish in the extreme. In your own homes only please.

Kerry Katona's insistence she's clean and not married to a drug dealer.

Loud pubs.

Famous offspring who list their occupation as 'jewellery designer' or 'shoe designer' and everyone falls for it. Emperor's new clothes alert.

The festival circuit. There's at least one a week. I might start my own.

Small talk. 'I'm just going to the loo' means 'I never want to get stuck with you again'.

Women who give up any semblance of femininity and wear baseball caps, men's clothes and have short hair and glasses. You see them in Tesco, Raynes Park. When did looking like Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards become attractive?

The canonisation of Richard Hammond.

Shop assistants with delusions of grandeur. I'm the one spending the money here.

Professional gays who claim everything as 'gay'. It could be anything from Patsy Kensit to Shellmex-BP to acorns to the Hoover Dam. 'Ooh soup! That's soooooooo gay'. Shut up.

People who say: 'Come and meet so and so - they're in magazines too'. You instantly know you'll be polar opposites.

If No One Speaks of Remarkable Things by Jon Someone. Most boring book I've ever read.

Heat magazine and Is this a magazine/website about the staff or celebrities? And why is this magazine considered an authority on TV?

Shoes with names like silhoutte, Briana or Mitch. Who makes this shit up and how much does it pay?

Kate Silverton. What do you actually look like? We can't see your face for the furniture.

Drunken Australians vomiting and shouting down my street at 4.30am. Would Evonne Goolagong do this?


People who go into a decline if you don't like what they like:
'Do you like Ray Montagne?'
'Not really'
'Well I do.' (goes into *all-day huff*)

Russell Brand. So over.

That'll do for now.


Helen said...

Nice to see you're enjoying the Bank Holiday.

A Kitten in a Brandy Glass said...

Am I correct in thinking that this was brought on by a rash of people asking you to horrible picnics/barbecues this weekend? I don't hate them as much as you do, but I'm still not massively keen, especially if sitting on the ground is involved. Nothing is more likely to make me feel like an arthritic 80-year-old than a day without a proper chair.

I do like the phrase "go into a decline": it was one of my grandma's favourites. She was always telling us we'd go into a decline if we didn't eat our peas or such like.

But I definitely second the hatred for people who desperately need you to share their taste. Especially people who say "If you don't like X, you're stupid", because they're invariably talking about something I don't like, and I'm not stupid. They're probably trying to justify their dodgy to themselves, I imagine, and the moment of decline is no doubt 90 percent due to self-hatred....

A Kitten in a Brandy Glass said...

..their dodgy TASTE to themselves, I meant to type. I'm not using some modish street parlance, honest.

Ishouldbeworking said...

Can I add people who say "there are only two types of people," ( usually followed by something profound like "those who like potatoes, and those who don't.").

No. There are thousands upon thousands of "types of people." Though there ARE types of people who use the phrase "types of people".

TimT said...

"Police have so far refused to confirm the identity of the middle-aged man who went on a killing spree in a quiet south London street yesterday. However, they have released a list of objects found at his home, which included:

- A recent copy of Heat magazine, flecked with spittle
- A DVD entitled 'Richard Hammond - My Story'
- A number of advertisements for shoes, roughly torn from magazines and covered with obscene slogans
- A newspaper cutting showing Delia Smith doing the shopping in her Norwich City shirt
- A 16-page guide to Big Brother, given away free with The Sun, with the housemates' faces defaced with moustaches, spectacles, beards, etc

"Psychological profiler Tony Hills, who has been brought in to assist the police, commented: "We believe the killer published a blog, and I'll be analysing it for clues. I'm working on the hypothesis that a random selection of insignificant facts and artefacts from modern life aroused a rage in this otherwise mild-mannered man that eventually manifested itself in a murderous frenzy.

"Hills added: "I've got to go now - I'm due in a rubbish ITV romantic comedy drama in half an hour."

Five-Centres said...

A frightening vision of the future, TT.