Terrible Ideas Of The 21st Century No. 1: The Big Lunch

Have you heard about this nightmarish initiative called The Big Lunch?

On July 19th, you're encouraged to get to know your neighbours and hold a big lunch party in the street.

Needless to say, this fills me with horror.

It involves having to talk to people I don't know AND eating outside. Eat al fresco in our street? It's like the local tip. Not exactly a Tuscan terrace. Plus, we only know one set of our neighbours, who I'm sure are avoiding us. On the other side, I've met the guy once in six years. Otherwise people look straight through you. I did once meet the woman at No.30 but only because I took in a delivery for her.

Our road is all flats, with ours being one of only about three that still actual houses. People come and go in the blink of an eye, usually leaving their rubbish behind. Many of them are students or look highly dodgy. I have no desire to break bread with the old drunk in the baseball cap who lives six doors down. He's got a voice that could cut glass and he looks really grubby.

I'm sure there are some nice types but I'm not interested in getting to know them. I don't want all and sundry knowing my business at all times and I don't want them in my house. If I wanted community I'd move to Ambridge. Round our way you're more likely to meet Linda Smell than Lynda Snell.

I'm sure Mrs F-C would quite like to do this. She's nice and friendly and open, not like me. She thinks I'm very Victor Meldrew, just like my father.

It's odd because as a child, I loved it that we knew all the neighbours. London is not a great place to get to know your neighbours. People prefer to keep themselves to themselves. I understand that. We made one really good pal of a neighbour in our old flat, but the countless others who came and went over the course of 12 years I can barely recall.

Anyhoo, I can't imagine for a moment anyone in our street would even think of being part of the Big Lunch, so for now, I can rest easy.