Dyer straits

I was meant to be on a train to Hull right now, but thankfully they were all cancelled. Not because I didn't want to go to Hull - I've never actually been - but because I really would rather be in the office. So here I am.

Anyhoo, let's talk about someone who never fails to irritate me and of whom I've picked the vainest, most stupid and utterly embarrassing picture I could find: Danny Dyer.

For those of you who don't know who that is - and for that I applaud you - he's a dreadful mockney actor who's never got beyond dreadful films about football hooligans and true life docs on Bravo about the same.

It's not that he's not a bad actor, although he's not the best. It's that he takes himself far, far too seriously. Have you ever read any interviews with him? He peppers his speech with mockneyisms, the latest 'street' language and epithets, all the while making out what a geezer his is, and what a brilliant actor he is who's always in demand. And this from the man who says he turned down EastEnders. He should be so lucky. Now he writes a column for Zoo magazine. Oh the glamour.

But the bitter truth is he's getting a bit long in the tooth for all this. He's not really a little bit woo! or a little bit whey! He's a cock, and the wrong side of 30 to be swaggering around like you're the man.

Can you tell I find him utterly absurd? Feel much better now.