Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Mojo not working

Has everyone kind of gone off blogging?

Perhaps it's the weather but it's a struggle to find something to say and I feel I'm repeating myself a bit, which is needless because there are a million stories to be told. It's just that I can't be bothered to tell em. And besides, it's not there's a queue to hear them. They're far better in a nutshell.

So here I save myself many blogposts:

1. The time I was barred from all branches of Carrefour for life for throwing a mushroom at a fat woman who turned out to be a store detective.

2. My hateful summer job working at the B&Q show warehouse with a fellow student from a different university who sat in his car all lunchtime and ate chips.

3. The night I was made to sing Summer Nights with a girl who'd run away from an arranged marriage at the work Christmas party. (the shame).

4. The day I realised rave culture was not for me.

5. Why, at 25, I thought my life was over.

6. The time I squandered my flatmates' rent money on myself.

7. My super-mean flatmate who forbade us from having any heating on, putting the gas fire on before she got home and chided us for using too many (free) matches.

8. My flatmate who did washing in the middle of the night and appeared on Crimewatch (it was definitely him).

9. The time I stayed at the British Embassy in Qatar and how we ate the same turkey for one whole week.

10. Feeling out of depth day one at boarding school, but soon getting into the swing of things.

11. How I wrote of a car on a test drive and pulled my mother from the smouldering wreckage.

12. Auntie Maggie's groundbreaking 1972 hip replacement op after falling off the open platform of a bus.

13. When I worked with Seal's manager's girlfriend and our trip to see him on Wogan.

14. My very first job in London, and what a total disaster it was.

15. What the Farmer's Wife dairy range meant to me.

Here's Golden Earring(s) with my song du jour:


Anonymous said...

You certainly know how to pique your readers' interest, FC. I really want to hear about 4, mainly because I'm now trying to picture you larging it in a field with a whistle and a baggy shirt, and then stomping off after 5 minutes in a huff.

Also, 6 and 11 sound pretty intriguing. So do tell.

Chris Hughes said...

I'm interested in number 1. I want to know how the ban was enforced. Were posters distributed to all stores, with a photo of you looking shameful and details of your fungi-flinging crimes?

What would happen if you attempted to enter a Carrefour store in France now? Would alarms go off? Would the gendarmes be called?

Five-Centres said...

Well RS, kind of. I went to a rave - in Jersey of all places - and the music was awful, everyone was off their tits and there were green apples everywhere. It was then I realised the whole idea was plain daft.

6 was just my utter pennilessness getting in the way of common sense, as it did for many years. We had a huge mortgage on the flat and it was unmanageable. It almost got repossesed.

11 is not as dramatic as it sounds.

As for Carrefour, I went in about a month later and no one noticed. This was in 1976.

Red Squirrel said...

I too am intrigued by number 1. My question: why do you throw it in the first place? Because she was fat? Or French? Or both?

Ishouldbeworking said...

I haven't gone off blogging, not one bit. Especially not after reading THOSE nuggets. Did you look the Arranged Marriage Woman in the eye when you sang "and she was GOOD, you know what I mean"?

And you used to share a flat with Nick Ross?

Five-Centres said...

It wasn't in France it was near Southampton. It opened with great fanfare in 1974 because it as a HYPERmarket!

We were just pissing about. I didn't know she actually was a store detective. She was really mean. She grabbed me by the arm and said: 'you run, we can run faster'. I'll never forget it. My parents were furious.

No, ISBW, she was looking at me ALL the time. I was mortified by the whole affair.

Simon said...

My only excuse is that I seem to be doing the things that I want to be writing about during the time I would normally spend writing as well as the time I would spend doing them.

Five-Centres said...

I think I understand what you mean, Simon.

Cocktails said...

I do wish you hadn't wasted these posts F-C! I'm sure at least half of them need a lot, lot more explanation. Do you, for example, particularly like turkey?

And I am like Simon too. I've done heaps things (I've just been in Bristol for a few days, oooh!) but haven't had time to write about them.

Mondo said...

It's a bloggers buffet. 14 and 15 for me please..

5) - I felt the same at 23, still living with the parents, no proper job and age-wise realised the freedom of an 18 year old was almost 6 years behind me and the expected middle-age responsibility of 30 just the same distance ahead

Five-Centres said...

That's the feeling Mondo. Now, 14 and 15 really do require separate posts as they're too involved. So look out for those.

Dan Worth said...

These all sound grand. Number five, all the flatmates one, the car crash, the terrible first London job, all of them please.

I did two (two!) blogs yesterday, and one later today scheduled to GO LIVE! (one I quite like too)

Suzy Norman said...

I think you've mentioned the nocturnal washerman before.