Thursday, August 12, 2010

...and relax

I'm off for a bit for some much-needed soothing.

So until next time, let me leave you with a days schedule for my new TV channel that's designed to soothe you. Names were bandied about: Relax, MellowTV, Margaret, Cushion - but I think we'll go with Soothe.

What would you alter?

7am Ellen. Audrey inadvertantly causes a motorway pile-up
7.30 Ellen. Audrey inadvertantly upsets Nelson Mandela.
8am Everybody Loves Raymond. Marie and Debra fall out over a buncake recipe
8.30 The Good Life. Margot wears a kaftan while on the phone. Gerry pours another drink. Tom and Barbara make paper hats and snigger a lot.
9am Howards Way. The hostage situation at Periplus takes a shocking turn. Polly guests on Radio Solent, but finds it's Gerald who's doing all the talking.
10am Watercolour Challenge. Hannah Gordon marvels at the many different shades of green around Durham Cathedral gardens. Antiques Master. Sandi Toksvig collapses into a fit of giggles while modelling an original milkmaid's yoke.
10.30 Autumn At River Cottage. Hugh cooks kitten and nettle stew for the Cowslip Society's annual board meeting.
11.30. Out Of Town. Jack Hargreaves ruminates over a long-forgotten farming object while smoking a pipe.
12pm Pie In The Sky. Henry uses a double murder as an excuse to resurrect his mother's veal and ham pie recipe.
1pm The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin. Joan's home made scones raise eyebrows at Reggie's birthday party.
1.30 Farmhouse Kitchen. This week: Grace jugs a hare and there's junket on the menu.
2pm Blockbusters. The person in the single seat doesn't win anything, and thinks he looks cool with his Morrissey quiff.
2.30 Fifteen-To-One. William G Stewart can't hide his irritation at the supercililous librarian in trap 12.
3pm Gems. It's a race against time to get that order out, and the hunt is on for Shirley's handbag.
3.30 Houseparty. That awful woman with the long dark hair, an ex-air hostess who lived in America and who my mum couldn't stand, talks us through her egg and milk diet. Ann Ladbury runs up a tabard, while Cherry and Mary Morris nearly come to blows over a lemon chicken.
4pm Wallander. Kurt experiments with an inadvisible hair tint, Svartman's hat blows into the canal and Ebba goes into a spin when someone leaves a foal in reception.
5.30 Robin's Nest. Victoria's father arrives unannounced with a business proposition. Meanwhile, there's panic in the kitchen when Albert temporarily looses the use of his other arm.
6pm. Food, Wine & Friends. Robert Carrier calls everyone darling and goes on a tour of the vineyards of Northern California with Petula Clark.
6.30 Degrassi Junior High. Someone you've never seen before but who's inexplicably in the opening credits for the series entire run finally gets a line. The twins play detective when they discover their mother running a gift shop at the Eaton Centre.
7pm Brookside. Sheila folds laundry while staring glassily from a window.
7.30 Brookside. Edna's sordid past as a former Miss Wallasey is laid bare.
8pm Cranford. Tongues wag when Miss Matty takes delivery of a facial sauna.
9pm Celebrity Masterchef. Gregg pronounces Mary Peter's fishcakes divine. John barks at Richard Fleeshman. Working in the professional kitchen has no bearing whatsoever on anyone's final scoring.
10pm The Two Of Us. Elaine's drinking drives a wedge between her and Ashley.
10.30 Survivors. The country is decimated by a hideous disease, which only the middle classes survive.
11.30 Juliet Bravo. Jean looks wanly on as a 10-year-old in a parka throws stones in an empty car park.
00.30 Classic Coronation Street: Hilda causes a scene when she discovers Stan doing a wordsearch with Betty Turpin.
1am Upstairs Downstairs. Hudson gets more than he bargained for on a day trip to Southwold.
2am Thriller. Donna Mills stars as woman new to town who unwittingly becomes embroiled in a blackmail scheme that goes tragically wrong.
3am Bergerac. Jim takes a roundabout route to question a Portugues cafe owner about a series of robberies.
4am The Protectors. Nyree Dawn Porter covers her breasts with a sheet.
5am Sons and Daughters. Irene finds herself in demand when the verandah collapses at Woombai.
5.30 The Cedar Tree. Word reaches Arthur that Lady Alice has taken a turn for the worse.
6am. All Creatures Great And Small. Siegfried is furious to find Tricky Woo asleep in his sock drawer.


Chris Hughes said...

Brookside seems a tad high-octane for this channel, I fear. You weren't tempted to opt for episodes from the original Emmerdale Farm, which mainly consisted of Annie Sugden buttering bread and the unfulfilled sexual tension between Amos and Mr Wilks?

Or the opening titles of Take The High Road on a loop?

And where's Derek Batey in all this?

Five-Centres said...

I considered Mr and Mrs, but not being a fan it didn't make the cut.

I always found Brookside most relaxing.

office pest said...

Yes very good. I'd have included The Victorian Kitchen Garden for 4pm slot.

Enjoy your break!

Simon said...

Can I still watch it in black & white?

Five-Centres said...

If it makes you feel cosier Simon, then why not?

Ishouldbeworking said...

If you can guarantee the Ritz Crackers classic 'Little Things' advert ("they may not seem so much and yet...they're the little things you don't forget") between Jack Hargreaves and Farmhouse Kitchen, I'm tuning in.

Mondo said...

Perhaps weekends could include..
A Fine Romance
Call My Bluff
The Golden Oldie Picture Show
Sing Something Simple
The Galloping Gourmet

With these in the tot slot..
Animal Magic
Tales from the Riverbank

Can't think of many Soothe-friendly US shows - Benson, Rhoda or McMillan & Wife perhaps?

Five-Centres said...

Nice additions Mondo. They're all on.

And yes, ISBW, of course it's there.

TimT said...

I think you’re a bit low on early Australian soaps. How about a couple of episodes of A Country Practice and The Sullivans?