Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Quick rant!

Currently rankling:

1. Innocent are not so innocent after all. For making false claimes about anti-oxidants. I don't care about this, but I do find the whole concept throughly irritating. 'Made with nothing but fruit - or you can tell our mums!'. I hate all this childish familiarity you get with them. How stupid do they think we are that we find this endearing or fun? They should be found guilty of tweeness and hanged by the neck until they are dead. They're like Pret A Manger, with their 'I'm made fresh today' written on its sandwich bags, like your cranberry, maple-cured ham and banana sarnie is a living thing. It's not, it's drowned in the mayo. On their tills there's a small sticker that says: 'If you eat in we have to charge you more. Nightmare!', like they care about you. Who believes this shit? I'm 42. I do like their carrott, orange and mango smoothie though.

2. Kids' TV may disapper completely. I don't understand why this is. Lack of investment? Kids don't watch telly but are out happy slapping or glued to their X-box? I notice the top children's programme is Newsround. So despite the very silly Lizo, all is not lost with the younger generation. They're news junkies, rather than just junkies.

3. A new phone-in scandal, this time on the Jo Whiley Show. Yawn.

4. Another shit Radio Times cover. What are they doing. It's either black or grey backgrounds, with tiny heads lost in the mix or a miniature picture of a star sitting with their legs open. That magazine should really take a long, hard look at itself, rather than trying to show off to the industry how good its contacts are. First rule of magazines: Know your reader.

5. Bono wants to have a 'hovering halo' above his hotel in Dublin. I've been to this hotel and it's no great shakes, much like the man himself. Shouldn't someone silence this pint-sized windbag for good? Nothing he has to say is relevant to my life. Is it to yours.


chris said...

I'm sure Charlie Brooker has ranted about this in the past, but I loathe those fucking Barclays Bank window displays, with "through these doors walk the loveliest people in Twickenham - according to their mums!" written on them. Grrr! Fuck off!

Ditto the line you get on the back of Ribena now, which says "once you've opened me, pop me in the fridge". 'You' are a ready-mixed blackcurrant drink. 'You' may be refreshing but 'you' are not sentient. Grrr! Fuck off!

office pest said...

Now, this is more like it; I'll tell you some more fucking advertising things I can't stand;

Firstly, it's all the phone adverts which feature pretend hippies rolling about and making human installations, using pieces of carpet and cushions etc.
All hair and lime green trousers, video post produced to look like a 1960s 16mm film and invariably soundtracked with a guitar-ey, folky 'american homespun wisdom' twee little ditty. Tossers. Fuck them all.

Next, are the insurance adverts for "Go-compare" dot com. A couple of play school presenters speak to you in simple language whilst twee graphics and Fisher-Price sound effects play in the background. They might as well have put the bright red dungarees and orange wigs on them and have done with it.

They've had to reissue this ad once already, because the first credulous fool they had in it was clearly too fucking simple, even for them.
And the woman on the ad uses this smug 'n happy little faux-London-area accent (see below) that really grates on my nerves. Fuck them too.

And thirdly, the advert for cider, where the chirpy little fuck in the pub says "Crisps, Anyone?", looking up at his mates like a lobotomised, swivel-headed man-dog. Head down the toilet, if I could get hold of him.
Fuck them as well.

Thanks for the prompt anyway F-C. I might have had a bit too much coffee today maybe.

Five-Centres said...

All rants welcome. I hate all the ads mentioned, and especially Chris's Barclays window displays. I might go round there with a sledgehammer.

chris said...

I'm definitely with office pest regarding the Orange ad, and the obsession with 1960s folkiness in general. There's one with some droning oaf singing "the wheels on the car" which I can't stand.

And that obsession with fake film stock is completely out of control. The new Mastercard one (the one with the little girl who says "Sorry dad, you're sack'd" in a really annoying way) is ridiculously pale. Ooh, dead arty.

Look out for the new Bradford & Bingley advert, by the way, featuring a hugely irritating woman in a bowler hat. Just fuck off.

office pest said...

Is that the woman from the chip shop who stamps around yelling 'Respect'? Or is it the simpering fairy godmother who likes it when 'dreams come true'? Patronising drivel.

The fact that they've all lent all of your money to teenage mutant property developers who are all teetering on the edge of bankruptcy is never fucking mentioned, is it.
Northern Rock? That'll Do Nicely.

And the next thing that's getting to me is 'zero carbon footprint this', and 'zero carbon footprint that'.
Car insurance for example is now available in a 'zero carbon footprint' variety.
Car insurance!! What the cock would that actually mean? Can it mean anything?
You just wait, because some know all quasi-scientist presenter type like Vordermann will soon be looking all concerned and regretful and scolding us in the ads about 'the environment', 'the planet' and 'our children's future', to try and flog us zero carbon footprint mobile phones. Or Bono will.

The papers will soon be full of tips on how to have a zero carbon footprint Christmas.
Oh how I cannot fucking wait for that. How jolly. How festive. It will be like 'The Modern Parents' from Viz, hollow eyed children with second hand busted tennis rackets imported from Lithuania; a snip at £49.99 each - and completely carbon neutral of course.

Not that I'm against the sentiment you understand but it riles me that all of these so called responsible corporations either make - or buy from those who make - cheap shit products produced in China, where pollution is a way of life, the people are essentially slaves to the machines and no one dares complain about anything.

It's the bad old world of the 18th and 19th century British industrial slums, repeated & writ large - with hippy adverts overlaid to try and cover the whole guilty mess up.

God these people irritate me.

cerebusboy said...

I like Bono/U2, for which Richard Herring (he sent me a personal reply!) and ishouldbeworking have already slagged me off about. Agree with some of your other points though.

Valentine Suicide said...

Real men don't drink carrott, orange and mango smoothies 5C.

Real men drink pints.

Five-Centres said...

Yes, Val, pints of mango, carrott and orange smoothies.

Ishouldbeworking said...

For the record, I didn't slag off Cerebusboy - he likes what he likes, and I would defend his right to do so. But I DID slag off U2, and by the Lord Harry, while there is breath in my body I will do so again!

cerebusboy said...

ishouldbeworking - sorry, I conflated you with Richard Herring. No offense was meant - that's how I remembered it but I accept that I was wrong. Surely there must be at least one person in an Andrew Collins-linked blog besides me who likes U2?!

Andrew Collins said...

Andrew Collins likes U2.

(Also, lest we forget, Pret A Manger are owned by ... McDonald's. Remember that next time to stroll in for a smoothie.)