Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Porky


I've had people pushing chocolate cake on me all day. If it wasn't bad enough trying to avoid everyone's Christmas confectionary leftovers that litter the office, at least three people have birthdays today. If you refuse their offers of cake, it's like you're defying the Mob. So you come back to your desk and there it is, a horse's head in cake form, reminding you there is no escape.

This, I don't need.

I had to put a suit on this morning for the first time since September, and I could barely do it up. It's like opening a tin of corned beef and a mattress pops out.

As for my hair, I look like Peter Noone at the moment, so that doesn't help one's self-image. Though what do I care. It's karaoke on Thursday, when I unleash my inner Aznavour. All decorum goes right out the window.

But mark my words. By the end of Feb, I'll be back to my old, sleek-as-a-jaguar self, he lied.

9 comments:

TimT said...

You're lucky you just get cake in your office. Whenever someone here has a birthday (and there are 50 of us, so that's pretty much once a week), half the money collected goes on a buffet selection that would give WeightWatchers a collective coronary: huge bowls of crisps, two or three kinds of proper cake, mini cakes (individual chocolate rolls, flapjacks, etc), cheese and biscuits, various kinds of sweets...

For someone possessing as little willpower as I do, it's fatal. As I dive in, I'm often reminded uncomfortably of that scene in The Vicar Of Dibley where Dawn French sticks her head into the chocolate fountain.

Clair said...

We had an office food moratorium, then the food department put out a box of leftovers, and we've now got a big jar of caramelized almonds and some sugar-free Werthers Original which I have had to don a cardigan to eat. All of which is fine when you're 25 and burn it all off, but when you're over 40, every Wotsit equals the threat of a heart attack.

Bright Ambassador said...

I take it you won't want any of my cake come Friday then?

Five-Centres said...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass, birthday or no birthday. I know you'll understand.

Andrew Collins said...

Try working alone in a rented office. I don't even celebrate my own birthday.

Planet Mondo said...

I'm the same since Christmas, but refuse to go up a size in trouser department(should I rephrase that?). Which means my top button is struggling with more PSI than it was ever designed for and will probably fire off like a rocket from a bottle on the train home.

Ishouldbeworking said...

F-C, you're making yourself sound awfully like Boris Johnson.

You're not, are you?

Five-Centres said...

The proof of the pudding is in the meeting.

LF Barfe said...

I came out of Christmas the same weight as I went in, and have since lost another 3 pounds. Don't hate me. I've been failing to be this good for years, so I've got a fair bit still to go.

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