Fiona Phillips is away

Here's a selection of people irritating me at the moment, and set to do so for the coming months:

Alfie Allen.
If it wasn't for sister Lily (and let's face it, she's over), would this elfin muppet actually be in work? Even described in song he's tiresome. In the flesh it's even worse. That said, he was just about OK in Casualty 1907, but no great shakes. I'm bored of the offspring off the famous getting a leg up if they have nothing to offer and taking work from people with real talent. Talking of which...

Peaches Geldof
It goes without saying really. Famous for being someone's daughter, behaving precociously, not that attractive, not the teenage icon she thinks she is and irritating probably nine out of 10 people. Problem is, she's clearly still grieving for the mother who abandoned her (see her recent mummyish drug overdose), and doesn't get enough attention from Dad, especially being one of four high-maintenance girls. It's time Peaches went to a cottage in Wales and had a long, hard think about what on Earth is going on. Relax, Peaches. No one's looking, just be yourself. She's not good at anything that we know of, so may as well learn a trade or go back to college. Something sensible and non-look-at-me. Two mornings a week in a boutique while doing a psychology degree, or something. But we all know she'll have a jewelery range in the shops by Christmas.

James Cordon
Should be careful, really, as slagging off EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in public comes back to bite you on the arse, and roles for tubby loudmouthed divas are not 10 a penny, even in comedy. I think he overcompensates by getting a bit hysterical, and lets his mouth run away with him. And being from 'the louder I speak the funnier it surely must be' school is not doing him any favours. Was a super interview when in Fat Friends, but minor success has turned him into a outsize boor. The new Ricky Gervais. Shut up.

Johann Hari
They really should bring back hanging - just to spite him. The witterings of this over-sensitive mother-fixated sixth former on anything from China to gay schoolkids to care in the community to overcrowding in prisons are just risible. Without even reading his column you'll know where he stands. He's so right-on it must be exhausting for him. And his byline picture in The Independent makes him look like Maureen from Driving School. A berk. Actually, he's not as bad as Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. Does anyone takes this woman seriously? Change the record, Yaz!

Sharon D Clarke
I don't know if you're watching Last Choir Standing - Mrs F-C cries every week - but even Russell Watson comes off well compared to fellow judge Sharon. Personally, though I know she's in Holby City, I've been unaware of her previous triumphs, which include, er, Chicago. But as far as this Big I Am is concerned, she's Britain's biggest and brightest musical star, a true expert on singing. She's really making the most of this. Her outfits annoy me, and the way she sways and hmmms and closes her eyes to the music is beyond irritating.