I can't hear Zizi Jeanmaire anywhere

I do wish they'd stop calling Alton Towers a 'resort'. It makes it sound like Club Med.

In reality of course it's more like Funland, Margate: the smell of chips hanging heavy in the air while the collective whoosh of shellsuit encased fat thighs rubbing together drowns out the din of the screaming kids. Their clothes are not made by Balmain and you won't find diamonds and pearls in their hair. Juan-les-Pines it is not. It's in Staffordshire for God's sake, the only thing it's famous for is pots, Robbie Williams and people getting killed on level crossings.

And while we're on the subject of funfairs, I'm appalled at the latest attraction at Thorpe Park (sorry, could be Chessington 'World of Adventures') - the rollercoaster based on the Saw films.

Now, the last time I looked, these torture porn extravaganzas from the sickest minds still working outside of Broadmoor were not family fare. So why name a rollercoaster after a series of films children are unlikely to see? Is no one going to say anything? No wonder we're a nation living in fear. I don't want my eyeballs lanced with a hairpin by some bored eight-year-old, do you?

Well I think it's wrong.