Barking

Are you a cats or dogs person? Perhaps you're both. That's allowed. I own a cat but I love dogs.

We had a lovely dog when I was growing up. We lived in the middle east where stray dogs were ten a penny. One day my brother turned up at the house telling my mum that if we didn't take this cute grey and white bundle of fluff with beseeching eyes then it would be killed that night.

Eighteen years later and we're burying the poor old thing. Dogs are so loyal and trusting. How can anyone be cruel? When you read about dogs bred for fighting or dogs being mistreated it's so hard to understand. It's like being cruel to children. They can't fight back.

When I'm doing my fitness thing in Regents Park of a morning we always see the same dogs. There's a group of walkers who have a wide selection of pooches, from St Bernards to setters to cocker spaniels and some American has a beautiful black Newfoundland. There's an awful lot of Americans walking dogs in that park in the morning. It's so lovely with the sun dappling through the trees you forget you're in the middle of London.

There are also some pugs, which I've generally found rather tiresome, but I stroked one that ran up to us and it was really soft. I was amazed. I thought they'd be all wiry and greasy. So now they're officially cute. I still wouldn't own one though, they're too small.

But you can't like them all. Here's a short list of horrible dogs:

1. Rupert Next door's ghastly apricot poodle when I was a child, that yapped all day long and was over-indulged by its owner Mrs Jones. She'd cook it fresh liver every day and then she'd fan him as he lay on his back. I think they were unnaturally close. He'd snarl if you went near her.

2. Prince Uncle Bob's golden retriever that was really greasy to the touch, and one in a long line of retrievers that were all called Prince. Uncle Bob was an elderly cove who was gay but it was never talked about. My grandma would occasionally mention his 'friend' Steve, who was long dead but whose picture remained above uncle Bob's bed. On being shown round his new house my brother asked loudly if that was Uncle Bob's boyfriend. We were briskly moved to the next room and talked about a lovely bunch of daffs. He had a housekeeper called Barbara who had a moustache and was banished to her room except when they watched Crossroads and latterly Neighbours. Anyway Prince was hugely fat, smelled and we always had to take him for really long walks in the New Forest and just because he was a dog and we were children we were meant to like him. But we didn't.

3. Tammy A teacher's nasty little terrier that looked just like him and if you put it in a blazer and army tie then they'd be dead ringers for each other. Silly name, horried little yappy thing that shouldn't have been around children.

4. Skipper This monster was Auntie Mary's pride and joy. It was a silky Yorkshire terrier with a bow in it's hair. But when she died the responsibility went to Uncle Gilbert. But he didn't really care for Skipper very much, favouring deaf white cat Bella, so Skipper used to we up the walls. The house was one to avoid. So when he took up with Irene and moved to a bungalow in Torquay Skipper vanished. I don't think I even asked what happened to him.

5. Osky The horrid little Jack Russell was the subject of a bitter custody battle between my friend Jim and his girlfriend. He bought Osky for her, then they split up but she wanted to keep him. But so did Jim. No one else cared as Osky was a miniature irritant and not cute in the least. She barked constantly but they loved her dearly. She got to keep him, leaving him devastated. That was far more upsetting for him than splitting up with the girlfriend. He can't hear Milli Vanilli's Girl I'm Gonna Miss You to this day.