You can stop believing now

So did you catch any of Five's Don't Stop Believing yesterday?

No? Well aren't you the lucky one.

I was kind of looking forward to it. It was to be a real-life Glee, the cream of Britain's show choirs competing against each other in what was sure to be a moving and entertaining experience.

Oh dear. This sub-X Factor froth was appalling. One and a half hours of pure bollocks. Hosted, and i use that term very loosely, but Emma Bunton, it was execrable. Yes it was flashy and HD but it was utterly derivative and though live, didn't need to be.

I felt a bit sorry for the judges. All were tough and doing their best Simon Cowell. We had some unfortunately-named choreographer called Chucky, 'Duncan from Blue', (M)Anastacia and Tamsin Outhwaite, currently wowing them in Sweet Charity I believe, and having worked very hard to get to this power position couldn't shake the 'How the hell did I end up in this shit?' look off her face.

The choirs were flat, tuneless, out of time, and embarrassing. It was all eyes and teeth, exaggerated movement and of course there was the requisite slightly camp fat one who stuck out like a sore thumb. And all the names are really bad. Where to do they get them from? Sing Station? What does that actually mean?

Let's go through them.

Eschoir, a bunch of blokes who fancied themselves told us they were going to do a really 'sexy' routine to a great song. They sang Sex On Fire (yawn) to a showgirl which was about as passionate as a damp flannelette nightie. It was so cringy it was laughable. They lost.

Dice were a bunch of show-offs doing a mix of something old-fashioned yet modern with a bit of Abba thrown in. Better, but only just.

The Manchester Show Choir did Lady Gaga's Poker Face. There was so many of them, and I really think some songs do not lend themselves to a thousand voices. It just gets messy. They lost too.

I can't even recall what Step Up did, though they were urban, but the worst by far was The Classix who did a really awful, unnecessary version of Video Killed The Radio Star, with a fat bloke and someone who looked like Robin Gibb in giant TV. You can guess what happened to them.

The eventual winners were a group of kids, mainly from a children home, who used paint to enhance their rendition of Cyndi Lauper's True Colours (double yawn). They were terrible, and clealry only won because of their sob story.

Now, I'm no expert, but I do watch Glee and with that being the bandwagon they were jumping on I expected more. Last Choir Standing was far better and that was pre-Glee. If only it had been post-Glee it might have stood more of a chance.

This show is shamelessly bad. They've really got to lose Emma Bunton. Who cares about her anyway. Always the least interesting Spice Girl - and that's saying something - she can't host, she fluffed every line, she has zero personality and she's not a draw.

Let's not even get started on the show's Supergroup, a talentless mix of showy wannabes drinking in the last chance saloon.

Will I be watching again? No.

And much as I like it, I don't think I want to hear Don't Stop Believin' for a very, very long time.