Don't bring Lulu

So I was just about to tut at Cheryl Cole for 'collapsing' at an X Factor audition, chiding her for feeling exhausted after doing nothing much but sit in judgment on other people - I mean really, what sort of monster does that? - and not taking into account her marriage woes because, let's face it, that is quite another story altogether, when it turns out she's actually got malaria.

Ouch.

I know from experience - not my own I might add - that this is an awful thing to have. I remember when I was at school and a Nigerian boy had it. You could hear him howling in agony through the night. It stays in your system forever.

So instead, let's rubbish Adrian Chiles and 'beat me on the bottom with a' Christine Bleakley. They're coming to brighten up Five-Centres' least favourite show of all time but a must-see nonetheless GMTV. Only, when they come they're calling it Daybreak or something.

On the one hand it's good for them for seeing off my sofa wonks Ben Shepherd and Andrew Castle. But on the other hand I'm fighting back hot, angry tears here while writing the words £6m deal. Seriously? They think they're worth that much? I doubt it. It's the usual TV think of, 'someone said they like these people, so we must throw ridiculous sums of money at them and over-expose them' - because that always works.

A taciturn Brummie prone to tantrums, stuffed into uncomfortable shirts who does a nice line in dry quips for half-an-hour a day on The One Show, and his coat hanger WAG of a sidekick with her Armchair Thriller grin - they're hardly filling the world's gaping talent void. They have a certain chemistry, I agree, but can they produce that in the a.m.? They'll be knackered for starters. The knives will be out, and the whole thing will be a disaster. And they're keeping top of the range oddity Kate Garraway which is not ideal. Shame about Emma Crosby though, as I was just beginning to get irritated buy her.

So we'll see.

But the good thing about all this is there seems to be no way back for Fiona Phillips. Where is she now? All those 'other projects' she was meant to do; what, like taking out the rubbish or making a devil's food cake? Busy now, eh Fiona? Her political ambitions came to nought too, but then if Gordon Brown was a fan alarm bells rang. Perhaps she could do a couple of mornings a week in a boutique if she was stuck, or Mondays at War On Want. It's nice to give something back.